Vanessa
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
At a stand still....
At a standstill with a blog can happen. Especially when you know you only have one or two followers. I have FAITH... someone will maybe stumble across this page and be inspired to read my story and share with others and to also come together as one to be inspired by one another.. Including me. How many of you know that god is just faithful to us in all things even though at times we are not? Rest assured that god has everything in control, everything has been planned and mapped out to a perfect "T". Isn't that alone relaxing? God has been so faithful to me in many ways and somehow always there is a way for everything.. amazing really. More to come so please have faith in me to share some good words and I hope you come back for more! Thanks for reading :)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
My story
Be warned that some of this is hard to read and is a sad thing to read about but my purpose is to share and and inspire to know that god is in the midst of all things that we face in life and for us to learn that sometimes is a true mastery skill to be learned over and over and over again.
Romans 3:13-Their throats are open graves;their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.
14- Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.
16- Ruin and misery mark their ways,
17-and the way of peace they do not know.
This is a scripture in the bible I was able to find regarding the relationship between my parents when I was growing up. Sounds horrible. Its because it is. Because of the way of life that my parents lived and the life they didn't know how or didn't choose to live my sister, my brother and I lived their lives right along with them. There was never much compassion in the home if any at all. There was never a gentle word, never a form of love shown to one another and a rare " I love you's" were exchanged. In fact I never said "I love you" to my siblings. There's always a sibling rivalry but this kind was far to harsh. The beatings against both of my parents inflicted by one another were bad, the yelling never stopped. The fear was always on high. The ultimatum to choose one parent or another at the end of the fight was one of the hardest things I ever had to do on a continuous basis whenever a fight broke out. Just being told to stand in the middle with my brother and sister and told to choose to who stay with was strait fear because if we picked one and not the other then we had the fear that the other parent would hate or not like us anymore because of it. Hiding under our beds because we were scared of the yelling and the crashing of things in the house. It didn't end there. It continued the whole time I lived with both of my parents at once until they separated. As a teen I thought I could trust my mom and tell her things but learned quickly that it was the wrong thing to do by ever saying anything personal to her because she betrayed all my trust and made fun of it or allowed her friends to taunt me with personal things that was none of their business and only to be called horrible names and slapped around because I stood up for my right to have privacy and was told not to talk back to adults for defending myself. Threats were common, bruises on my arms were vivid and most of all my heart was shattered and ripped out of my chest. My mom wasn't really a mom at all to me... I can never remember a bit of kindness from her and no interaction as mother daughter time. I hated her. My dad on the other hand was away occasionally during my teen years on work/education classes. This is where a lot of my image of myself formed after god was distorted and broke even though church and bible studies were present in my life. To answer the question "did you forgive your parents for this?" Yes I have. It was hard and painful but was more painful to carry the hurt and past on my shoulders everyday.
Growing up in this environment had its tolls. A lot of this life I lived was toxic and caused me much pain in my now adult life. I reacted when I was younger in the forms of hurting myself for the attention that was never payed to us kids. I reacted with rebellion in high school and felt the need to get attentions from boys in school to feel good about myself, feel wanted and to feel liked. I didn't blame my parents for all the things that I did wrong because I didn't know any better to reflect on the fact that the home environment was causing un stability and hurt. When I was able to learn that the environment my parents created was to blame all I could do is get mad and point the finger right back at them for everything they had done wrong and how much it had caused me troubles and pain in my now adult life and my childhood then.
As a child I felt like god chose me as his special child, for some reason I had that feeling I knew god existed and knew I felt the way I did because god was sure to let me know. My grandparents are to thank when it comes to me knowing god. Not a day in my life did I ever see my parents go to church. NEVER! how sad is that?.. I wish could have seen that image in my life because they needed all the help they could get but they never helped themselves to it. My grandparents raised me for the first two years of my life and because of them I was blessed to have them plant the seed and word of god in my life from the very beginning. I managed to be faithful every Sunday to church until the age of 14 and then the life path changed for me completely I would say entirely because no matter how much I was raised in the word of god or how faithful I was to be in church every Sunday I still lived in the home that was so beyond broken. If you can not flee from a home like that it is detrimental to emotional health and it eventually completely took over my life.
At 14 years old I became pregnant with my now 7 year old daughter Alexis, delievered at the age of 15 and by 16 years old had my GED and started college. I went to school and worked for two years and took care of a child on my own as a single parent and completed a degree all by the age of 18 years old. More than what most 18 year olds accomplish within that time frame only because of my life being rushed right into adulthood and parenthood. At this time I was content with raising my child by myself and on my own. I felt content being single and so independent as if I never needed anyone else in my life; well at 18 years old I married the one boy who thought he didn't want a relationship with me at the point of ultimatum I had given him in the off and on again relationship we had when I was 16. I felt at this point god had blessed me with someone who was really ready to accept being a father to another mans child and was ready to accept me to be a wife and someone he could share his life with. Joshua is my husband of almost 5 years and we now share four children together. Josh is in the military and I'm so proud of the man he has become and I believe god placed us in one another life because we are like the golden key together. The two united as one and took on life's challenges together only to conquer and make the best of it. That's Josh and I. Through out our marriage we have faced some things about ourselves that opened our eyes about one another. For me it was about how I lived out my relationship with him. It was almost an exact repeat of my parents relationship without the physical abuse and less emotional abuse. Yes I said emotional abuse. Lets remember we all cross paths of things that are deeply frowned upon but as a growing experience it has bettered our relationship because of the ability to forgive and learn from our mistakes.
During the years 16 and 17 I lived with my dad and grandma who taught me so much life skill. My dad was at his best during these years of my life. I had never seen my dad so successful and so dedicated to his children and granddaughter. Drinking for him had subsided and he took life by the horns and was a great guy to be around. My Mother was still in her old ways and kept spiraling down to the pit of despair by the day using her drugs and now has hit an all time low. It was nice to see at least one of my parents trying to make a difference in life and that is what happened when my father left my mother. He grew sick and tired of the living situation at home, constant fighting physical and emotional abuse from both ends, became more and more insecure because of allegations made about affairs that my mother had engaged in and many more, some I probably don't know about till this day. Today my father is at an all time low as is my mother. He has joined back into the life of drinking and drugs and in a relationship that has caused him a lot of pain and some huge blinders for glasses. It breaks my heart to feel as if I literally can not ever depend on my parents, as if I have been orphaned because I no longer know them as my parents but as some people that you would severely pity because of their choices. I feel that they have long gone passed away as the parents I knew them as.Even then some wouldn't even pity these kinds of people.Not sure why my parents choose to continue to live this life other than the enemy has a strong hold on them and refuses to let them see the light of truth. I rebuke the enemy in all his evil works against any of my family because he is not in authority. God has conquered him for an eternity. I hated that I felt like my parents especially my mother was trying to live their relationship in my marriage as well. It drove me nuts! I knew that it was an apparent problem and needed to get it fixed. I started to see a counselor and it helped open my mind to release all the toxicity that I had been raised in all my life. Eventually the counselor said " you can keep blaming your parents for everything that you are now today and everything that was caused because of them but you will get no where, Instead keep the fact that you recognize that this is where your problems and hurts have started and stemmed from but move on and change those things and forgive those things in your mind and heart and let go" I will admit that was a task that took me some time to complete and was hard to do. My point here is it is possible, hard yes, impossible no.
Keep asking god for his help and guidance. If you center god in your problems old or new he is faithful and knows what you need and what is best for you. Just a reminder but try not to lean into your own understanding but into gods because it is his will not yours. Again this is hard for some of us and this is where your faith and trust in god will come into play. I hope that I have inspired you by sharing this. For me this is still a healing in process. It hurts to see both parents so far beyond the pit of despair today but prayer is all I can give. I know that god uses life's troubles to shape us into the christian he wants us to be. He never gives more than you can take, though at times it feels like we couldn't take any more despair; this is the time where he wants to you break down and lean on him because some things are far to much for us to handle on our own and requires us to give it to god to move forward., again another hard thing to do sometimes. The more obedient we are to favoring gods way and plan the easier it is for us to live in rest and peace for the next hurdle in life. The more you ask in prayer and the more you seek prayer it will be done. God is a faithful god and wont leave you to fall. I hope you have enjoyed and are inspired to change some things in your life or just even to be thankful for what you have in life and for what god has provided. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment!
Vanessa Hagen
Romans 3:13-Their throats are open graves;their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips.
14- Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.
16- Ruin and misery mark their ways,
17-and the way of peace they do not know.
This is a scripture in the bible I was able to find regarding the relationship between my parents when I was growing up. Sounds horrible. Its because it is. Because of the way of life that my parents lived and the life they didn't know how or didn't choose to live my sister, my brother and I lived their lives right along with them. There was never much compassion in the home if any at all. There was never a gentle word, never a form of love shown to one another and a rare " I love you's" were exchanged. In fact I never said "I love you" to my siblings. There's always a sibling rivalry but this kind was far to harsh. The beatings against both of my parents inflicted by one another were bad, the yelling never stopped. The fear was always on high. The ultimatum to choose one parent or another at the end of the fight was one of the hardest things I ever had to do on a continuous basis whenever a fight broke out. Just being told to stand in the middle with my brother and sister and told to choose to who stay with was strait fear because if we picked one and not the other then we had the fear that the other parent would hate or not like us anymore because of it. Hiding under our beds because we were scared of the yelling and the crashing of things in the house. It didn't end there. It continued the whole time I lived with both of my parents at once until they separated. As a teen I thought I could trust my mom and tell her things but learned quickly that it was the wrong thing to do by ever saying anything personal to her because she betrayed all my trust and made fun of it or allowed her friends to taunt me with personal things that was none of their business and only to be called horrible names and slapped around because I stood up for my right to have privacy and was told not to talk back to adults for defending myself. Threats were common, bruises on my arms were vivid and most of all my heart was shattered and ripped out of my chest. My mom wasn't really a mom at all to me... I can never remember a bit of kindness from her and no interaction as mother daughter time. I hated her. My dad on the other hand was away occasionally during my teen years on work/education classes. This is where a lot of my image of myself formed after god was distorted and broke even though church and bible studies were present in my life. To answer the question "did you forgive your parents for this?" Yes I have. It was hard and painful but was more painful to carry the hurt and past on my shoulders everyday.
Growing up in this environment had its tolls. A lot of this life I lived was toxic and caused me much pain in my now adult life. I reacted when I was younger in the forms of hurting myself for the attention that was never payed to us kids. I reacted with rebellion in high school and felt the need to get attentions from boys in school to feel good about myself, feel wanted and to feel liked. I didn't blame my parents for all the things that I did wrong because I didn't know any better to reflect on the fact that the home environment was causing un stability and hurt. When I was able to learn that the environment my parents created was to blame all I could do is get mad and point the finger right back at them for everything they had done wrong and how much it had caused me troubles and pain in my now adult life and my childhood then.
As a child I felt like god chose me as his special child, for some reason I had that feeling I knew god existed and knew I felt the way I did because god was sure to let me know. My grandparents are to thank when it comes to me knowing god. Not a day in my life did I ever see my parents go to church. NEVER! how sad is that?.. I wish could have seen that image in my life because they needed all the help they could get but they never helped themselves to it. My grandparents raised me for the first two years of my life and because of them I was blessed to have them plant the seed and word of god in my life from the very beginning. I managed to be faithful every Sunday to church until the age of 14 and then the life path changed for me completely I would say entirely because no matter how much I was raised in the word of god or how faithful I was to be in church every Sunday I still lived in the home that was so beyond broken. If you can not flee from a home like that it is detrimental to emotional health and it eventually completely took over my life.
At 14 years old I became pregnant with my now 7 year old daughter Alexis, delievered at the age of 15 and by 16 years old had my GED and started college. I went to school and worked for two years and took care of a child on my own as a single parent and completed a degree all by the age of 18 years old. More than what most 18 year olds accomplish within that time frame only because of my life being rushed right into adulthood and parenthood. At this time I was content with raising my child by myself and on my own. I felt content being single and so independent as if I never needed anyone else in my life; well at 18 years old I married the one boy who thought he didn't want a relationship with me at the point of ultimatum I had given him in the off and on again relationship we had when I was 16. I felt at this point god had blessed me with someone who was really ready to accept being a father to another mans child and was ready to accept me to be a wife and someone he could share his life with. Joshua is my husband of almost 5 years and we now share four children together. Josh is in the military and I'm so proud of the man he has become and I believe god placed us in one another life because we are like the golden key together. The two united as one and took on life's challenges together only to conquer and make the best of it. That's Josh and I. Through out our marriage we have faced some things about ourselves that opened our eyes about one another. For me it was about how I lived out my relationship with him. It was almost an exact repeat of my parents relationship without the physical abuse and less emotional abuse. Yes I said emotional abuse. Lets remember we all cross paths of things that are deeply frowned upon but as a growing experience it has bettered our relationship because of the ability to forgive and learn from our mistakes.
During the years 16 and 17 I lived with my dad and grandma who taught me so much life skill. My dad was at his best during these years of my life. I had never seen my dad so successful and so dedicated to his children and granddaughter. Drinking for him had subsided and he took life by the horns and was a great guy to be around. My Mother was still in her old ways and kept spiraling down to the pit of despair by the day using her drugs and now has hit an all time low. It was nice to see at least one of my parents trying to make a difference in life and that is what happened when my father left my mother. He grew sick and tired of the living situation at home, constant fighting physical and emotional abuse from both ends, became more and more insecure because of allegations made about affairs that my mother had engaged in and many more, some I probably don't know about till this day. Today my father is at an all time low as is my mother. He has joined back into the life of drinking and drugs and in a relationship that has caused him a lot of pain and some huge blinders for glasses. It breaks my heart to feel as if I literally can not ever depend on my parents, as if I have been orphaned because I no longer know them as my parents but as some people that you would severely pity because of their choices. I feel that they have long gone passed away as the parents I knew them as.Even then some wouldn't even pity these kinds of people.Not sure why my parents choose to continue to live this life other than the enemy has a strong hold on them and refuses to let them see the light of truth. I rebuke the enemy in all his evil works against any of my family because he is not in authority. God has conquered him for an eternity. I hated that I felt like my parents especially my mother was trying to live their relationship in my marriage as well. It drove me nuts! I knew that it was an apparent problem and needed to get it fixed. I started to see a counselor and it helped open my mind to release all the toxicity that I had been raised in all my life. Eventually the counselor said " you can keep blaming your parents for everything that you are now today and everything that was caused because of them but you will get no where, Instead keep the fact that you recognize that this is where your problems and hurts have started and stemmed from but move on and change those things and forgive those things in your mind and heart and let go" I will admit that was a task that took me some time to complete and was hard to do. My point here is it is possible, hard yes, impossible no.
Keep asking god for his help and guidance. If you center god in your problems old or new he is faithful and knows what you need and what is best for you. Just a reminder but try not to lean into your own understanding but into gods because it is his will not yours. Again this is hard for some of us and this is where your faith and trust in god will come into play. I hope that I have inspired you by sharing this. For me this is still a healing in process. It hurts to see both parents so far beyond the pit of despair today but prayer is all I can give. I know that god uses life's troubles to shape us into the christian he wants us to be. He never gives more than you can take, though at times it feels like we couldn't take any more despair; this is the time where he wants to you break down and lean on him because some things are far to much for us to handle on our own and requires us to give it to god to move forward., again another hard thing to do sometimes. The more obedient we are to favoring gods way and plan the easier it is for us to live in rest and peace for the next hurdle in life. The more you ask in prayer and the more you seek prayer it will be done. God is a faithful god and wont leave you to fall. I hope you have enjoyed and are inspired to change some things in your life or just even to be thankful for what you have in life and for what god has provided. Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment!
Vanessa Hagen
Music to your ears
Hey Readers!
I just wanted to add in a new post along with the start of this new blog and share one of my favorite christian songs. It definitely sparks the beauty of everything god has created and everything he has done and what will be done. Lately there has been a increase on my face book page of Gods words or music videos praising god. I love it when someone shares the awesomeness of other gifted Christians and want to share some of my favorites.
I also want to go more into my back round to share with others and for others to be inspired by my story. I have been encouraged on more than one occasion to share and I believe that many can be inspired and also everyone loves to hear a true story. Many of the movies out there today are true or inspired by true stories of others across the nation and now have become a huge hit with many others out there. I hope to share my story in the case that it will help and encourage and inspire someone else out there who maybe is like me or has lived their life in the same path that I had already once lived. I will make a new blog post on this soon! Until then enjoy the music video I pulled from YouTube. I do not own this material in anyway.
Vanessa Hagen
Welcome and Serve yourself some spiritual feeding!
Hello Readers,
Welcome to my first ever post for this blog I'm going to give a little about why I decided to start a blog concerning the matter of God and his son Jesus I think this is what our world needs more of. If you agree I hope and pray that you would be inclined to add to this page and make it even tastier to other readers who may stumble across this.
This is a much needed blog for all of us. I say this because I'm a follower of god and a believer in Jesus and I think that it has been due time to write and share more of the scripture and gods word and just hope it goes viral in a good way. I also want to do this for myself. I know that if I can bring you to follow this blog then surely I will be more inclined to keep you fed with new blogs and scripture and hope that it will be of great fulfilment to you but also would bless me to know that I could be planting that one seed that you or someone you know may need to become a stronger well grown and spiritually well fed christian. These things can take some time and a long term commitment when it comes to posting not just for yourself but for others. I know that If I do this on a daily basis or even a weekly basis I will draw my relationship with Christ closer and also be serving the word to all who might be hungry for gods gracious love and everything he has to say to us as his children to be more like him in his image. If you want this and you want to share it too, please become a follower and pass on the word because someone somewhere would appreciate the encouragement to seek gods word and guidance in their life for what ever situation they may find themselves to be in today.
*Vanessa Hagen
Welcome to my first ever post for this blog I'm going to give a little about why I decided to start a blog concerning the matter of God and his son Jesus I think this is what our world needs more of. If you agree I hope and pray that you would be inclined to add to this page and make it even tastier to other readers who may stumble across this.
This is a much needed blog for all of us. I say this because I'm a follower of god and a believer in Jesus and I think that it has been due time to write and share more of the scripture and gods word and just hope it goes viral in a good way. I also want to do this for myself. I know that if I can bring you to follow this blog then surely I will be more inclined to keep you fed with new blogs and scripture and hope that it will be of great fulfilment to you but also would bless me to know that I could be planting that one seed that you or someone you know may need to become a stronger well grown and spiritually well fed christian. These things can take some time and a long term commitment when it comes to posting not just for yourself but for others. I know that If I do this on a daily basis or even a weekly basis I will draw my relationship with Christ closer and also be serving the word to all who might be hungry for gods gracious love and everything he has to say to us as his children to be more like him in his image. If you want this and you want to share it too, please become a follower and pass on the word because someone somewhere would appreciate the encouragement to seek gods word and guidance in their life for what ever situation they may find themselves to be in today.
*Vanessa Hagen
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